Before I tell this story, you need to know a few things. 1. My mom can be really serious at times and 2. She hates whenever she hears me or anyone else cuss. If I let a cuss word slip around her, she will complain about how she doesn't want that language in her house and how I'm trashy for saying it. When I use cuss words, they are usually done for emphasis or used when I'm angry. My mom almost never uses them unless she is pissed.
It was a normal day at my house just my family and me watching tv. My mom gets up and grabs a cookie from out of the kitchen. She sits back down and takes her first bite. Normally I wouldn't have noticed all this but what my mom said after this was something I never expected to hear her say. She says and I quote, "That's some good shit right there." My mom who never cusses went from normal to stoner voice faster than anyone I've seen. She sounded like someone who just smoked or drank a good drink for the first time and was high on how this cookie tasted.
To show you the ridiculousness of this situation, I literally fell off the couch and started rolling on the floor laughing because of the sheer surprise I had with what she said. My mom looks at me and asks, "Are you all right?" I told her why I was laughing and she simply shrugs and says "He must be getting to me" refering to her boyfriend. I've never been able to cuss around her but at this very moment I realized I can do it whenever I want so thank you mom's boyfriend.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The night I wore make up
During my senior year in high school, I took choir. In the first trimester, there is usually a musical at school so the students in choir can get extra credit if we help with the show. Since I wanted some extra credit points, I decided to help and my job was to sell tickets. Since that is a job that is done once the show starts, I waited in the back to talk to people and hang out with some friends. Well during the show, the girls who were doing makeup for the people in the musical got bored since there was nothing to do when the show started. They saw I had nothing else to do, so they asked if they could put makeup on me. I first told them no but they kept asking so I said "sure, why not?"
This would turn out to be a bad idea. In my mind, I thought it was just going to be a little bit that I could easily wash off. I was so wrong because even after I washed it off, it still showed easily. They put a lot on so I looked like I could've been part of the glam rock era. However, this wasn't the 80s and I definitely didn't pull it off. It was so caked on that it stayed on until after the show. I wish I could've gone home after the show or that it was the day of the party for the choir students. I wish I was this lucky. However, this is not bound to be a lucky day as we all went to Ihop.
Normally, I like going to Ihop because I like the food and they generally have good service. I do not like going to ihop with eyeliner, eyeshadow, and blush on. Thankfully, I went to the bathroom and washed my face a little more before the waiter got there. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the eyeshadow off so I decided to make a choice: do I be miserable about the make-up or do I make the most of it? Naturally, I make the most of it. I decided to mess with the waiter we had the whole meal. I have make-up on so the simplest way to mess with him is to act gay.
What followed after I decided to do this is I started to talk in the most flamboyant voice ever and flirt with him. I didn't go over the top because I wanted him to worry that night and if he knew I was joking right off the bat, it wouldn't have been funny. I begin to wink at him and do a flirty smile. I say thank you in the girliest voice I could muster. I do anything I can to make him worried. About every time he gets to the table, he acts more and more creeped out. His trips to our table get slower and slower so I finally tell him I'm straight and I'm just messing with him and after this, he lets out the biggest sigh ever.
The night wasn't over after this either. I had to come home wearing all this makeup too. My mom freaked out more than the waiter. She saw it and yelled take it off right now! After this, she asked me questions like are you gay? and why would you wear makeup if you're a guy? I told her no and that it was because some girls were bored. She said in the most worried tone, "High school has changed since I went there" . For a few days after this, she kept asking if I was sure that I'm straight and kept telling me how homosexuality is against the bible. In one day, I wore make-up, freaked out a waiter, and worried my mom. After all this, I'd say the best word to describe that day was interesting
This would turn out to be a bad idea. In my mind, I thought it was just going to be a little bit that I could easily wash off. I was so wrong because even after I washed it off, it still showed easily. They put a lot on so I looked like I could've been part of the glam rock era. However, this wasn't the 80s and I definitely didn't pull it off. It was so caked on that it stayed on until after the show. I wish I could've gone home after the show or that it was the day of the party for the choir students. I wish I was this lucky. However, this is not bound to be a lucky day as we all went to Ihop.
Normally, I like going to Ihop because I like the food and they generally have good service. I do not like going to ihop with eyeliner, eyeshadow, and blush on. Thankfully, I went to the bathroom and washed my face a little more before the waiter got there. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the eyeshadow off so I decided to make a choice: do I be miserable about the make-up or do I make the most of it? Naturally, I make the most of it. I decided to mess with the waiter we had the whole meal. I have make-up on so the simplest way to mess with him is to act gay.
What followed after I decided to do this is I started to talk in the most flamboyant voice ever and flirt with him. I didn't go over the top because I wanted him to worry that night and if he knew I was joking right off the bat, it wouldn't have been funny. I begin to wink at him and do a flirty smile. I say thank you in the girliest voice I could muster. I do anything I can to make him worried. About every time he gets to the table, he acts more and more creeped out. His trips to our table get slower and slower so I finally tell him I'm straight and I'm just messing with him and after this, he lets out the biggest sigh ever.
The night wasn't over after this either. I had to come home wearing all this makeup too. My mom freaked out more than the waiter. She saw it and yelled take it off right now! After this, she asked me questions like are you gay? and why would you wear makeup if you're a guy? I told her no and that it was because some girls were bored. She said in the most worried tone, "High school has changed since I went there" . For a few days after this, she kept asking if I was sure that I'm straight and kept telling me how homosexuality is against the bible. In one day, I wore make-up, freaked out a waiter, and worried my mom. After all this, I'd say the best word to describe that day was interesting
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Broken spirits
Every August, 30,000 people from all over the world go to Indianapolis for one reason: Gencon. For those who don't know what Gencon is, it is a convention dedicated to all things gaming and gaming-related. Its slogan is "The Best Four Days in Gaming" for a reason. The first year I went was with two friends of mine. One of my friends and me dressed normally for all four days. My other friend; however, cosplays as L from Death Note. I'm not going to try to describe Death Note as I only know general things about it. What you need to know for this story is that L loves candy and it is part of his character.
Because of this, the first thing we do when we get to Indianapolis is go to the candy store in the mall that is connected to the convention center. He buys this giant lollipop for the character. After that, we go to goodwill to find a white shirt for him. He does get a white shirt there. Unfortunately for him, its a blouse. After this, we obviously made cross dressing jokes like where did you get that? out of your mom's closet? The first day we split up from him because he wanted to go the anime section to try to pick up girls. After all, that is the only reason he dressed up. We didn't see him for another 2 days since his phone died.
We finally run into him at this comedy show. He still has the lollipop after all this time. During the show, there was a part where audience members were a part of the show. For this show, that part was human dominoes. Our friend that is dressed up gets picked to participate. He keeps the lollipop in his mouth during this. This time with human dominoes, the participants fell face first so of course the lollipop breaks when they fall. He comes back to us and with the saddest look on his looking like puss n boots from Shrek, he mutters in the softest voice "my... my lollipop" We bust out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of this.
After this, he proceeds to ask me, my other friend, and everyone around us using the neediest voice he can so we will buy another one since he spent all his money taking a bunch of girls out to see of all movies "Despicable Me". None of these girls did anything with him either. SO our friend with no lollipop, no girls, and nothing to show for says the best thing we've ever heard him say. "I'm no longer dressing as L. My other friend told me he did this for years. Were still waiting to see it.
Because of this, the first thing we do when we get to Indianapolis is go to the candy store in the mall that is connected to the convention center. He buys this giant lollipop for the character. After that, we go to goodwill to find a white shirt for him. He does get a white shirt there. Unfortunately for him, its a blouse. After this, we obviously made cross dressing jokes like where did you get that? out of your mom's closet? The first day we split up from him because he wanted to go the anime section to try to pick up girls. After all, that is the only reason he dressed up. We didn't see him for another 2 days since his phone died.
We finally run into him at this comedy show. He still has the lollipop after all this time. During the show, there was a part where audience members were a part of the show. For this show, that part was human dominoes. Our friend that is dressed up gets picked to participate. He keeps the lollipop in his mouth during this. This time with human dominoes, the participants fell face first so of course the lollipop breaks when they fall. He comes back to us and with the saddest look on his looking like puss n boots from Shrek, he mutters in the softest voice "my... my lollipop" We bust out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of this.
After this, he proceeds to ask me, my other friend, and everyone around us using the neediest voice he can so we will buy another one since he spent all his money taking a bunch of girls out to see of all movies "Despicable Me". None of these girls did anything with him either. SO our friend with no lollipop, no girls, and nothing to show for says the best thing we've ever heard him say. "I'm no longer dressing as L. My other friend told me he did this for years. Were still waiting to see it.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Ramblings of a drunk man (not me)
Tonight it was Wrestlemania and my friends went to show-mes to watch it. For those who don't know what it is, the place is a sports bar that is similar to Hooter's. For most of the night, it was like any regular night there during a pay-per-view. There was some loud cheers but nothing out of the ordinary. Until the main event. There was this old man there who was obviously cheering for John Cena instead of everyone else there who was cheering for The Rock. This man repeated a lot of the same things over and over again. These are some of his comments and some of our replys back.
Old Man: Go back to Hollywood!
Me: Go back to your mom's basement!
Old Man: Let go of him!
Me: (in old man's voice) He's my baby!
Old Man: Don't give up! Don't stop!
My Friend: Is that what he sounds like in bed?
Old Man: Yes! Yes!
Me: No, that's what he sounds like.
Old Man: Tap! Tap!
My Friend: Why does he repeat everything?
Other Friend: He took a double shot.
These were some of my favorite comments and after time, he realized we were talking about him. The best part was he didn't get mad at us. He thought he made new friends and gave us the rock fist and pointed to us like he liked us.
Old Man: Go back to Hollywood!
Me: Go back to your mom's basement!
Old Man: Let go of him!
Me: (in old man's voice) He's my baby!
Old Man: Don't give up! Don't stop!
My Friend: Is that what he sounds like in bed?
Old Man: Yes! Yes!
Me: No, that's what he sounds like.
Old Man: Tap! Tap!
My Friend: Why does he repeat everything?
Other Friend: He took a double shot.
These were some of my favorite comments and after time, he realized we were talking about him. The best part was he didn't get mad at us. He thought he made new friends and gave us the rock fist and pointed to us like he liked us.
song that I used to love and now hate
Two years ago or so, I had a cd with Ray William Johnson's song "Doing yo Mom" on it. This is a song I listened to all the time in my car. Unfortunately, my ex heard it and knew the chorus. It is a humorous song but heard by the wrong person might make said person angry. Well, she went to random people and said the chorus to people in the most serious way possible. Hearing the song makes you laugh. Hearing a person say he did your mom in your bed and that person keeping a straight face does not. At first, it was ok.
She did this to random people who laughed at it because they knew she wasn't serious. Unfortunately, she says it to the wrong guy which makes my friend say "let's go" in the most scared voice ever. My friend is 6'4" and is not a small guy. The guy she said it to made him scared so you can imagine how big this guy was. We start to walk in the fastest way ever. By the time we got to the parking lot, we were sprinting and only found salvation in my car which we locked promptly. It was a simultaneous thank god from both me and him while she is laughing. Needless to say, my ex is a stupid bitch.
She did this to random people who laughed at it because they knew she wasn't serious. Unfortunately, she says it to the wrong guy which makes my friend say "let's go" in the most scared voice ever. My friend is 6'4" and is not a small guy. The guy she said it to made him scared so you can imagine how big this guy was. We start to walk in the fastest way ever. By the time we got to the parking lot, we were sprinting and only found salvation in my car which we locked promptly. It was a simultaneous thank god from both me and him while she is laughing. Needless to say, my ex is a stupid bitch.
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